I haven't blogged in a few months.
I always seem to want to blog when I'm hurt. Why is that?
Disappointment comes so easy to me. Why is that?
Why is it that the one constant emotion in my life is always disappointment?
I dream about happiness. I dream that I'm in a place in my life where I'm always smiling, laughing and joyful. Where the sun always shine and my heart is always happy. Where I'm with someone who loves me. I remember when I was in love and what/how much it cost me. What is love anyway? I feel misunderstood because if I say something then I'm sensitive or emotional. I write because its so easy for me. Because I feel like when I have no one, I have my keyboard. For the most part, I'm HAPPY :)
I like him so much. Who is he? Sometimes I wonder do I know the real him?!? So if I could express how I feel towards him I would say that I think of him non-stop. That throughout my day I wonder what he's doing when he's not w/me. Is he thinking about me the way I'm thinking of him? That I want to be w/him all day every day. That when he sleeps I love to feel his breath on me, when he's not in bed I can smell him, that when I close my eyes I can see his smile and feel his touch. My GOD...I keep telling myself I hope this is real. I really do feel like he is the one. Like he really does like me. Like he really is the man for me. But it's scary. We both know what happened to me when I came remotely this close to liking someone this much. I want to show him my world but I don't know how. I don't know how to be me because I feel he may not appreciate or understand it. I know I'm my own worst enemy. I can honestly say, I was in love one time. And I remember at first it was the best feeling in the world. I didn't know how to describe it because the feeling was so new to me. I think saying I was on cloud 9 was an understatement. In any case, when the pain kicked in, I didn't remember the good feelings. And the pain was so constant that I thought the pain was my love. I know now that love shouldn't hurt. And I also vowed to never fall in love EVER again. So I'm in a predicament right now. Because I'm w/someone who I care so much about. Who I'm ready to start a future with and who I'm ready to be w/forever and the truth is, I don't know if I can ever love again. I want to fall in love so badly because now that I'm no longer in pain, I remember the good feelings love once bought me. I'm a different person now. I've come a long way from that girl from the streets of Brooklyn. I believe I'm a creature of habit.
Here is what he feels about me. I think he likes me even though he doesn't want to have sex w/me until I loose weight. He says he sees the potential in me. I see the potential in myself. He doesn't want to kiss me because he says I have bad breathe. I can't ride in his mustang because I'm a big girl. He doesn't want to introduce me to him mom because I'm the biggest girl he's ever been with. He doesn't want to cuddle w/me because sometimes he's not in a cuddling mood. He can't sleep at night because my snoring keeps him up. And he wants me to grow my hair.
Sometimes I wish he would touch me more. I get an occasional hug, slap on the ass, squeeze of the breast. Nothing other than that. Sometimes I feel like he's just my friend. I wish when it came to him I wasn't fat or didn't have bad breath. Maybe he would touch me more. No one has ever felt these feelings for me so at the same time I appreciate it but I'm a little hurt by it.
I care about him for who he is. I wouldn't change a thing about him but sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for him. Even the things that aggravate me about him are still fine by me because I care about him.
I'm going to move in w/him and I'm nervous as hell. Sometimes he gets mad at me so fast that its like he's a different person. Sometimes I look at him and its like I don't even recognize him. Sometimes he scares me. I can't call his next move and sometimes it's scary.
